Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”