Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.