PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
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Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Finally
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.