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“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
This has made my week.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
My Guy
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
tax refund: $12.07
me at chipotle: yes. add guac.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.