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I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read