Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
He instantly became one of the bros
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
when there are deer in the woods
