Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”