Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard