pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

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I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.


*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”


In a parallel universe, a group of sentient guitars groan as one guitar gets out a human at a party.


THERAPIST: how do you feel
ME: with my hands
THERAPIST: no, like on the inside
ME: ohhh…idk probably kinda squishy and weird


accidentally stabbed a friend last night but a little later a different friend caught on fire and i put him out with my hand so i’m even


You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”


Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.


GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.