@FredTaming

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

You Might Also Like

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

@hythemafia

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

@jazmasta

In a parallel universe, a group of sentient guitars groan as one guitar gets out a human at a party.

@hippieswordfish

THERAPIST: how do you feel
ME: with my hands
THERAPIST: no, like on the inside
ME: ohhh…idk probably kinda squishy and weird

@GUBLERNATION

accidentally stabbed a friend last night but a little later a different friend caught on fire and i put him out with my hand so i’m even

@close_c

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”

@Schmoodles

Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.

@HansGrubertron

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.