Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.