Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up