Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
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*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.