Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

Every house has this drawer

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

Me when my alarm goes off