Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
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My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.