Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

Thaw me like one of your french fries

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

we’re gonna need another temp

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder