Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!