PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
You Might Also Like
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy