Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

based

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO