Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

There are usually two types of merchants.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died