Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

A sick whale is called an unwhale

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.