Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
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I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
sir, my pâté if you please
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me buying fruit and veg
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.