Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
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My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.