Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE