pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
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Can’t stop laughing
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
this is the greatest thing ever
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?