pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
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Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Twitter is an abusement park.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds