Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.