[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
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the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.