PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
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[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target