Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

True statement👍😏😁

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.