I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds
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just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
you mean the wolf to me
ha! autocorrect fail!
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me