my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.