Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut