Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

Okey dokey.

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.