Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
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*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”