Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
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You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
They did not think through this water fountain
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Research shows that in 100% of cases, when someone says “Oh no she didn’t!”, she in fact, did.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy