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@LoveNLunchmeat

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

@shegotagronk

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

@ArfMeasures

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

@iQuoteComedy

Research shows that in 100% of cases, when someone says “Oh no she didn’t!”, she in fact, did.

@click4amanda

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

@BlotterMonkey

Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.

@ValeeGrrl

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy