Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
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There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.