Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

You’re never alone. Theres mold

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

The 6 types of sex