Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

Basketball

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity