Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

🥴

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)