PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
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‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
lol
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.