Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners