Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.