Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

Time for evil

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.