Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Based Erika

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.