Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

😭😭

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.