Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

The prophecy is fulfilled

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*