Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car