Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet