Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
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Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.