Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my pinned tweet

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

So creative 😂

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.