Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

This is me 🤣🤣

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.