Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me