Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.