pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
You Might Also Like
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Guys, I found it.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”