pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
