pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
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Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Catering service
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.