Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

He a real one for that

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

the duality of man

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today