pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
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Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
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[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
by any beans necessary