Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks