Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

When someone trying to leave me

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?