Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

the saddest jazz hands ever

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend