Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

God saw you do that.

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!