Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”