Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*