Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
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The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Hot hot hot 🥵
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.