Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
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Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Sooo many times…..
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
life finds a way
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.