Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda