Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s