Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

Those are good neighbors.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )