Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.