Pimp My Ride just showed up and turned my Corolla into a barbecue.

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FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”


[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*


If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.


I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”


[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*


There should be a branch of the government that just helps people who get stood up.


Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.


Apparently, “I just assumed” is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the “heavy flow” tampons.