piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know