Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)