piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars