piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”